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29 years of saying ‘No’

October 4, 2011

Remember building that house of cards and how carefully each card needs to be balanced lest it all quietly crashes down?

Well, my memories have to be stacked such. And a little more cautiously too because once something triggers something else, it’s not a quiet downfall. It is a riot. A riot of tears and regrets.

Today was that exact day.

I just thought writing about it may give it a permanence, and maybe ten years down the line I can re-read this and laugh it off.

But then I remembered that it has been another ten years gone with tons of similar incidents and my inability to let new people in my life is still there.

And nobody is laughing it off. We are all exasperated of me.

What I was at 9 and what I was at 19 is the same person I am at 29 in one regard – I say ‘No’ to new people. That’s my natural, instant reaction.

Then I ‘think about it’, consider for long…maybe a yes.

But sometimes, it’s just too late to say anything, so I have a sob fest and and bam! A regret.

Maybe Arthur Miller is right. Maybe all I can do is hope to end up with right regrets.

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